Talking about... how others can help

Relationships can be complicated. We may make assumptions about each other and what our different roles should be. Different opinions can cause tensions when organising care or making plans with an older friend or relative, especially when there’s multiple people involved. However, it’s helpful to talk about how you can share caregiving responsibilities or get extra support if you need it.

There can be many reasons why this is a hard conversation to have. Lack of time, living far away or just not wanting to face the situation can stop you talking. Other issues might include:

• old conflicts coming back up
• having a family of your own to worry about
• expectations related to cultural background
• resistance to what seems like a role reversal
• not wanting the responsibility
• the difficulty of being involved in personal care for a close friend or relative
• feeling sad about the changes in your friend or relative’s needs.

On the plus side, if you have these discussions you can feel more sure that you’re making the right choices with, or for, your friend or relative. These conversations will also give you the chance to express your feelings and seek support, if you feel you need it. 

If you start talking early – and talk often – these conversations can become a normal part of discussion. It’s also a good idea to involve other family members or friends early and talk about what you can each do to help. You can usually change the caregiving arrangements later if necessary.

Speak directly to your friend or relative if you'd like someone else to be involved in their care. Ask them how they feel about the care they’re receiving, and if they would be happy to receive care from another person. Once you know that they are OK with it, ask for help directly. 

Remember:

• do not assume other people do not want to help – they might think you are coping and not realise you need support
• be specific about what you want
• listen, as well as talk
• divide up the tasks – for example, if someone cannot help with care, ask them to do some research or make phone calls instead
• do not expect total equality of caregiving. Separate your issues from those of the person you're caring for.

It’s important to keep the lines of communication open. For example, you could share updates on medication, hospital appointments or care plans. Keeping others updated could help them be more involved. But make sure you ask the person you’re caring for about who they want to share their information with first.

Be honest about what you can do and what you're prepared to do. It may be that arranging professional care is the best option. Do not feel guilty – you’re only human and there are limits to what you can do. Paying for care may help with the practical parts of caring for someone, and let you focus on other areas like emotional support. The council for the person you're caring for may cover some or all of the costs of the care they need, if they qualify following a care needs assessment and financial assessment if necessary.

If another person involved in caregiving is making decisions you do not agree with, you could bring this up sensitively with them and offer to help. They may be under pressure. You could also suggest involving a third party, such as a GP or social worker, who could offer advice and input from a professional perspective.

It's a good idea to look into what support might be available for your friend or relative, as well as for yourself if you're a carer. You could consider:

Getting a care needs assessment

A good place to start is to get a care needs assessment for your friend or relative. They can request one from their local council, or, with their permission, you can contact their council to request one for them. An assessment can help you understand exactly what kind of support they need, and how you and others can help. The council may pay towards their care if they qualify for support but they may need to have a financial assessment to work this out. 

You may also be able to get your own carer’s assessment at the same time. This assessment will look at your needs as a carer. If the council decide that you qualify for support, you could get help with practical things, like housework, or training to help you feel more confident in your caring role. You might qualify for breaks from caring, also known as respite care. It’s a good idea to check if you are eligible – see our guide Caring for someone for more information about getting a carer’s assessment.

Checking on benefits entitlement

You may want to encourage the person you're caring for to check if they can get any benefits, or you can check for them with their permission. The extra money could pay for help needed around the house, for example. You could also check for yourself if you are a carer. As a first step, look at our webpages about:

• Attendance Allowance or Pension Age Disability Payment in Scotland
• disability benefits for adults under State Pension age
• benefits for carers.

If you need advice or would like a benefits check, contact our Helpline.

Other support available

If your friend or relative has a long-term condition, they may be able to get support from charities and organisations that deal with their condition.

If your friends or family do not agree

Sometimes if there are disputes around caring for someone, bringing in an outsider can help. This could be a GP, solicitor, financial adviser, clergy member or a social worker. They may be able to offer impartial advice, guidance or expert knowledge that could help resolve the disagreement.