Looking after yourself when someone dies

Sometimes, people feel there’s no point seeking help because it won’t bring the person who has died back. You can feel powerless when you’ve been bereaved.

It can help to talk to others about your feelings, thoughts and memories of the person who died. You might want to talk to a friend or relative, or to a GP, bereavement counsellor or charity helpline. You may find that others avoid talking to you about the death. This is usually because they don’t know what to say and don’t want to upset you, but it can be distressing. Try to explain how you feel. Hopefully people will be happy to listen even if they don’t know how to start the conversation.

Friends and family can support each other through bereavement, or you might want to talk to an advice organisation or support group, such as:

• Cruse Bereavement Support – offers support, advice and information to bereaved people. In Scotland, contact Cruse Scotland
• Samaritans – runs a 24-hour helpline. You can talk to someone about anything that’s troubling you
• The Compassionate Friends – supports people who have suffered the death of a child of any age. Their helpline is staffed by bereaved parents
• Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide – offers support and information to people bereaved by suicide
• Sands – supports people affected by stillbirth or the death of a newborn child. They support people no matter how long ago their child died
• The Silver Line – a free, confidential 24-hour helpline specifically for older people
• Sue Ryder– offers free online video counselling.

You may be able to find local bereavement services through At a loss.

You could also talk to your GP. They can provide help with physical and mental health and might also be able to refer you for talking therapies. You could also look into private counselling – your GP should be able to give you a list of practitioners in your area, or you can search online at the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy.

Like other forms of stress, bereavement can weaken your immune system, making you more susceptible to illness. The suggestions below can help you feel better and keep you healthy:

• get plenty of sleep
• eat healthily
• be kind to yourself and don’t put pressure on yourself to feel better too quickly. People may encourage you to distract yourself by taking up new hobbies or going on holiday, but you shouldn’t feel guilty if you do not feel ready. Everyone grieves at their own pace
• avoid numbing the pain with things like alcohol, which won’t help you in the long run.

It can be hard to achieve these things when you’re dealing with a painful situation, but try to bear them in mind. Keeping some structure to your day and trying to do a few things and see a few people can also help, even if you do less than you used to.

Remember, there is no time limit on grieving. Allow yourself to feel sad and don’t try to do too much before you feel ready.

A bereavement can bring other losses, such as the loss of a home, income, or a role such as being the person’s carer. 

For support if you’re at risk of losing your home, visit our webpage Help with housing costs for ways to save money. 

If your income has gone down after a bereavement, contact our Helpline for a free benefits check to see if there’s anything you could be claiming. 

If the person you were caring for has died, you may feel a mix of emotions. Our webpage When your caring role ends has advice about how to cope as well as practical steps you can take. 

No matter your circumstances, let yourself grieve for all these losses. They can all have a significant impact on your life.

If the person who died was one of your main sources of support or company, you may feel lonely or lost after their death. There are many organisations that can put you in touch with others who might understand your feelings, including:

• Cruse Bereavement Support – some branches offer peer-to-peer support groups, including walking groups. It’s worth reaching out to check what’s available in your area
• Macmillan – has a Macmillan Buddies befriending service 
• Sue Ryder – has an Online Bereavement Community where you can chat with people who are also grieving
• The Loss Foundation – has a talking service called Connect that matches people who have lost people to cancer. They also offer a free 12-week bereavement therapy group.

Our guide If you’re feeling lonely has more advice about how to meet people and make new connections when you feel you’re ready.