How you might be feeling when someone dies

How you might be feeling

Grief affects people in different ways. There’s no particular way you should be feeling, or length of time it will take for you to start to feel more like yourself again. It’s important to let yourself grieve in your own way. This might include spending time on your own as part of coming to terms with the death, but it’s also good to talk to others and draw on their support.

There are a few feelings that people commonly describe, but your own experience might be different. It’s normal for your feelings to be chaotic and it might be hard to pin down exactly how you're feeling. Intense feelings can be frightening, but they usually ease over time. You might experience:

shock and feelings of unreality and disconnection, particularly in the days after the death
intense sadness, which can feel overwhelming
anxiety, either general or about something specific
worries about your own mortality
anger and irritation – you may find yourself arguing unexpectedly with people you’re close to
guilt
feelings of hopelessness and depression
seeing, hearing or sensing the presence of the person who has died
a need to support others and suppress your own grief
some relief, perhaps if the person had been ill for a long time.

For about a week after my wife died I had a completely irrational fear of going to bed in case I fell asleep and didn't wake up. That would have left the children as orphans which would have been terrible. Fortunately common sense prevailed and I returned to normality. I have no idea whether other people have had similar weird thoughts. A sudden death does have odd effects.

Physical effects of grief

Like other forms of stress, bereavement can weaken your immune system, making you more susceptible to illness. Stress and anxiety can produce physical symptoms, such as:

exhaustion
loss of appetite or comfort eating
feeling sick or an upset stomach
panic attacks
aches and pains, such as chest pain and headaches
disturbed sleep or nightmares
restlessness or hyperactivity.

Grief can make you more vulnerable to illness so try to look after yourself.

If you have worrying symptoms or ones that persist, speak to your GP. If you’re concerned about anything you’re thinking or feeling, talk to your GP or a support organisation, such as Cruse Bereavement Support (Cruse Scotland in Scotland) or Samaritans (116 123).

Feelings of hopelessness

Sometimes, people feel there’s no point seeking help because it won’t bring the person who has died back. You can feel powerless when you’ve been bereaved. Remind yourself that your own life has a purpose and you can start finding things that will become important to you again.

Talking to people about what has happened and how you’re feeling can help. You could talk to friends and family, or call Samaritans (116 123) or The Silver Line (0800 4 70 80 90) 24 hours a day.

Other support organisations you could contact include:

Free guide