Regularly used phrases following a bereavement can leave those grieving feeling unsupported, and in some cases, make them less likely to access bereavement support, according to new research from charity Independent Age.
In a survey with YouGov, the charity found that 48% of UK adults bereaved in the past 3 years had heard phrases such as “they had a good innings”, or “it was just their time” following a bereavement.
More than a quarter (27%) of them reported negative feelings because of the phrases including:
- Like my grief was being diminished (16%)
- Like my loss didn’t matter (12%)
- That I shouldn’t speak about my loss anymore (11%)
- Unsupported (7%)
The likelihood of hearing these phrases also increased according to the age of the person who had died, with the phrases being used the most in relation to people who had died between the age of 81-90 years old.
9% of UK adults bereaved in the past 3 years even went as far as saying that hearing these phrases made them less likely to access bereavement support.
The survey also revealed that a majority of UK adults bereaved in the past 3 years (62%) did not access support following a bereavement.
Of those that sought support, 30% turned to their friends and family, with only 10% opting for more specialist services. Older people (55+) were the least likely of this group to seek formal support, with only 9% saying they looked beyond their loved ones for help following a bereavement.
This is despite Independent Age’s own analysis revealing that up to 318,000 people aged 65 and over have been bereaved of a partner during the Covid-19 pandemic, a shocking 14% increase on the average for the past five years. For many of these, due to COVID the experience of grieving may have been even more traumatic with many having no warning a death was coming, not being able to be with the person at the end of their life due to the pandemic restrictions, experiencing multiple bereavements in quick succession, or not being able to seek comfort from friends and family.
These types of factor can lead some people to experience complicated grief, or prolonged grief disorder. This is a period of extended grief where painful emotions are long lasting and severe, resulting in a person struggling to recover from the bereavement and resume their daily activities. For those experiencing complicated grief, professional emotional support to come to terms with the bereavement is often needed.
Support for everyone who needs it
Independent Age is highlighting these findings as part of their Time to Grieve campaign.
In an open letter to the government, the charity is calling for everyone to be able to access emotional support following a bereavement if they need it.
Whether it's information and advice, counselling, support groups or online forums, Independent Age want to see a range of emotional support available and routinely offered to people across England.
“Knowing what to say to someone who has recently lost a loved one can be tricky, so understandably many people fall back on general phrases and cliches.
Deborah Alsina MBE, Chief Executive of Independent Age, said:
“Knowing what to say to someone who has recently lost a loved one can be tricky, so understandably many people fall back on general phrases and cliches.
“Whilst these are usually intended to provide comfort, it’s worth remembering that if they diminish the impact of the loss, they can negatively affect someone’s feelings as they grieve, which in some cases, can stop them from asking for help if they need it.
“This is particularly worrying as no one should be left to go through the grieving process alone.
What people said did help
How people cope with grief is very personal, and everyone deals with death differently.
Independent Age was eager to hear people’s own experiences of what those around them said or did following a bereavement.
There were common themes that helped including the sharing of positive memories of the person who had died, allowing the person grieving to talk about their feelings and sharing experiences of their own bereavements.
“It's not so much what people say but the genuineness of what they are saying. Platitudes are very off-putting.”
Responses included:
“It's not so much what people say but the genuineness of what they are saying. Platitudes are very off-putting.”
“Things that helped - having people talk about their memories of the person, tell stories about them, share their own loss”
“Just talk to me as a normal person…, don't avoid me”
“I'm here if you need me; offer of a meal.”
“There is nothing anyone can say that will help other than “please call me if you need me”. And if they remember to call and listen when you need it”.
Independent Age has an advice guide for those that want to help someone they know who has experienced a bereavement: If someone you know has been bereaved
"My husband passed away in 1986, but the insensitive comment I received following his death still stings to this day. I had only been grieving for 4 months when I ran into a friend who rudely asked me ‘have you got over his death yet’?"
Anonymous Independent Age case study, said: My husband passed away in 1986, but the insensitive comment I received following his death still stings to this day. I had only been grieving for 4 months when I ran into a friend who rudely asked me ‘have you got over his death yet’? This would never be an appropriate thing to say, but this question shocked me as my husband had only just died in a very unexpected way. It took me two years to feel like me again.”
Deborah Alsina MBE, Chief Executive of Independent Age, said “More than ever, it is vital for bereavement support to be easily accessible to all those that need it. The Government must make bereavement services a priority area in terms of the pandemic recovery and government expenditure. We need a strategy to improve the experience of people when they are bereaved of someone close to them.”
Join Independent Age in calling for bereavement support to be a priority by signing their open letter.
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Notes to editor
For media enquiries please contact
Joshua Hack
Media and PR Officer
T 020 7605 4266
M 078 4964 1286
E joshua.hack@independentage.org
Methodology
All figures, unless otherwise stated, are from YouGov Plc. Total sample size was 2188 adults. Of these, 800 people had experienced a bereavement in the last 3 years and were able to answer the follow up questions. Fieldwork was undertaken between 5th - 6th August 2021. The survey was carried out online. The figures have been weighted and are representative of all GB adults (aged 18+).
Independent Age’s estimate that 317,860 people aged 65 and over lost their partner is based on combining Office for National Statistics weekly death figures with data from the Family Resources survey using the time period March 21st 2020 to May 14th 2021 (these are the weekly figures closest available to the relevant lockdown dates).
About Independent Age
We offer regular friendly contact, a strong campaigning voice and free, impartial advice on the issues that matter to older people: care and support, money and benefits, health and mobility. A charity founded over 150 years ago, we are independent so older people can be too.
For more information, visit our website www.independentage.org.
Arrange to speak to one of our advisers for free and confidential advice and information. Freephone 0800 319 6789 or email advice@independentage.org.
To make a donation or find out more about how you can support the work of Independent Age and help older people stay independent, please visit independentage.org/support-us.
UK Commission on Bereavement
The Commission's purpose is to review the experiences of, and support available for, people affected by bereavement through and beyond the Covid-19 pandemic, and to make recommendations to key decision-makers, including the UK Government. The Commission is independent of government and is made up of a group of 15 commissioners who were appointed by a steering group of charities including Marie Curie, Independent Age, the National Bereavement Alliance and Childhood Bereavement Network, Cruse Bereavement Care and the Centre for Mental Health.
For more information visit: bereavementcommission.mariecurie.org.uk
Twitter: @theUKCB