Family estrangement

Estrangement is basically a breakdown in a family relationship. It is much more common than people think – 1 in 5 families in the UK are affected by estrangement. 

Families are complex and the reasons for breaking off contact are as varied as families themselves. There could still be some limited contact and it’s not always clear who or what caused the break. You may have no contact with your entire family or just one member. The rift may last a short time or it could go on for many years.

People often feel that there’s a stigma attached to estrangement and it can be a hidden issue. You may find it very difficult to talk about or explain to others why you’re no longer in touch with a family member. 

There can be many reasons why a family relationship breaks down. Some of the most common include:

• a clash of personality or values
• mismatched expectations about family roles and relationships
• religious or cultural differences
• emotional abuse, such as intimidation or threats
• a traumatic family event such as a death.

Conflict can arise between generations who see things differently. Partnerships, marriage and divorce can cause a rift within the wider family. Siblings may fall out because of longstanding resentments from childhood, perceived or actual favouritism, or different lifestyle choices. For example, older LGBTQ+ people are more likely to have strained relationships with their family or be estranged from them. 

In the case of grandchildren, if your grandchildren’s parents divorce or their relationship breaks down, or if one parent dies, sadly this can sometimes lead to you losing touch with your grandchildren. 

Feelings about estrangement can be very mixed. If you’re the one who has chosen to cut ties, there may be positives. You may feel a greater sense of independence and freedom, as well as feeling stronger, happier and less stressed. Friendships may take on more importance in your life.

If a family member has broken off contact with you, you may experience a sense of hurt and rejection. This can be especially painful at certain times, such as during holidays or festivals, family occasions, and on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.

If you’re estranged from a family member, holidays can be difficult. You may want to reach out, but try to limit your expectations and look after yourself. If you’re worried about feeling lonely over a time that you would traditionally spend with family – for example, over the Christmas period – you could plan ahead to make it a positive experience. You could try:

• indulging in a hobby like going to the theatre or watching your favourite film
• ringing, emailing or writing a letter to friends, or using Skype to call free between two computers, tablets or smart phones
• looking for local events taking place that you might be able to join in with or volunteer at.

You can always talk to someone at The Silver Line - a helpline offering emotional support and advice specifically for older people. It’s open 24 hours a day, every day. 

Our guide If you’re feeling lonely suggests things you could try that could help to reduce loneliness, as well as information about where to look for more help.

Being estranged from an adult child can mean you no longer have access to grandchildren. If you’ve lost touch with grandchildren, it’s best to try to resolve this informally at first, by discussing the situation with your adult child and/or their partner.

You could also try family mediation, where an independent, trained mediator helps you to try to reach an agreement. National Family Mediation has more information about this. In Scotland, contact Scottish Mediation. There may be a charge for mediation services. 

Unfortunately, grandparents don’t have an automatic right to apply for access to their grandchildren. If all else fails, you can ask a court for permission to apply for a child arrangements order to agree access. This can be expensive and stressful for all concerned, so it should be a last resort.

For more information about the options available to you, contact Kinship.

It may be helpful to talk to someone about your situation. You could try speaking to a close friend, or a trained counsellor can help you work through your feelings. The charity Stand Alone runs support groups and workshops in England and also has guides that offer advice on difficult situations.

You may want to try counselling. Your GP may be able to arrange counselling, or you could contact Relate or find a counsellor through the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy. You may have to pay for these services.

If you need to speak to someone urgently for emotional support, you could call the Samaritans.

If you want to get in touch with an estranged family member again, the internet makes it easier to track people down these days. However, it may be better to ask a third party to make contact for you. If you need help finding someone, the Salvation Army has a family tracing service and it can also act as an intermediary. There is an administration fee for its services.

If you’ve lost touch with grandchildren, contact Kinship for information and advice.

Reconciliation may be possible but all parties have to be willing and this isn’t always the case. You may risk being rejected all over again so it’s a good idea to get support. If you do manage to get in contact:

• take it slowly – you’ll need to rebuild trust
• manage your expectations – you may not get the outcome you want
• try not to judge or blame
• look after yourself.

Sometimes reconciliation isn’t possible or desirable. It can help to know that you’re not alone and you may want to join a support group with others who are in the same position.